Oh Ingrid, I'm so sorry to hear of your mental health struggles. I'm glad things seem to be looking up with your new coordinator and I really hope it continues in that direction as it sure sounds like you could use some good news. And I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. It truly ISN'T fair, this disease. And so young. No wonder you've been devastated by it all, I think anyone would have been. And on top of that you've got your own diabetes to deal with, and on top of the usual relentlessness of that your diabetes is, as we say where I come from, "being a butt".
In my experience, I have found that there isn't really any special trick to getting out of the cycle - no magic code that someone else has that you don't. Diabetes just kind of...sucks. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but it sucks. Well, I mean, people can find good in it at least some of the time, maybe it's empowering, it motivates them to make changes they never had the motivation for before, it helps them think about life in a different way, doesn't stop them doing what they want. For some people that's enough that it doesn't feel like a burden, more just a hassle. But it still IS a hassle and it still kind of sucks. And the thing is, too, that feeling like it IS a burden and it IS ruining your life is actually a perfectly valid response. Because for some people it does that too. But I think we look at other people who are posting pics of their pump kit from the top of Kilimanjaro or whatever and saying how diabetes never stopped them leading a normal life and we feel so much guilt if that isn't how we feel too. Like not only is our insulin response broken but our response to diabetes itself is somehow broken because we're supposed to just be able to power through it and be fine.
I'm not fine, I can tell you that. I try to be matter of fact about it, because it IS a matter of fact, I have diabetes. I just do. But I also hate having it, I hate the extra hoops I have to jump through everywhere in life, I hate how it bleeds into everything that I do and everything that I become, I hate how it makes me feel like I'm constantly failing, just these tiny little failures all day long, all adding up, and so SO little actual encouragement from anyone, so few excuses to actually feel good or proud about anything I do diabetes-wise. UGH.
I have learned to deal with it mostly by being, frankly, a "bad" diabetic. I don't take care of myself "properly", the way many people see it. But I take care of myself in the ways that I need to, to get through the day. So sometimes that means not testing as often, not eating as strictly, and of course higher blood sugars - and there are added risks with that, sure. It's not that I'm not afraid of that, I am. But the other option is that I burn myself out trying to do it "right" and then I just stop caring or having any energy to care and I do nothing at all. It's one of the reasons I actually don't want a pump - I know it would give me better control, but it would also give me dozens more different points in the day where I feel like I "should" be doing this or that and am not living up to my responsibility or my ability, and I think I would just go insane with it. So "half-assing" it is still, overall, a better strategy. Diabetes is only a part of the things I need to ration my energy to be able to manage in my life, and it's certainly not the one that's most important to me personally (even if it may be the thing that is the most urgent). But it's a damn shame that so few other people see it that way - not my doctors, not most other diabetics (present company excepted!), certainly very few non-diabetics.
All that to say, I think the only way out, really, is through. And to get through, for me what works is to let go of perfect. To even let go of good. And just go for "enough." Focus on the things that make a tangible difference for you - for me my goal is mainly to avoid day-to-day symptoms (lethargy and moodiness are the big show-stoppers for me). A day where I did enough on the diabetes front that I didn't fall asleep after lunch or had enough energy to do two or three tasks that were important to me - that's enough. And when the depression and the anxiety kick in, well that threshold of "enough" gets lower. That's what being kind to yourself is, "let this be enough for today" and instead of feeling guilty that you couldn't do more, feel love for yourself that you did as much as you did, with everything you've got on your plate. See the strength and the real work that you do day to day where no one else sees it or realizes how much work it really is.
If there's ever anything we can do, even just listen and sympathize, please let us know. It's what the forum is here for: you are not alone. I can't carry this for you, and I don't think anyone else ever truly can - but you don't have to carry it alone, either.